Post Chemotherapy- what it's really like

Confidence in hair loss

 

To be absolutely honest with you, losing my hair was the worst part of chemo. And I often think about the "what if" of not doing chemo at all JUST to keep my hair. A feature that represents feminine beauty.

At first I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. I avoided my reflection, fearing what I would see. An ugly mess. Ashamed of what I lost, I hide under hats and wraps. Keeping my head down in public like I'm not worthy to be there. I thought after a few weeks with no hair I wouldn't feel this way, but that's not true. My anxiety and Stress, just going outside bald, kept building. I hate myself so much that I have brainwashed myself to think that everyone felt the same about me. 

I hate taking pictures without covering up. No one is gonna want me now. I feel I am undeserving of love because I am ugly. Why can't I look normal? Why does everything go wrong in my life? I wish I could just sink to the floor so no one can see me. It would be better that way. 

Ashamed of being ashamed, I kept this self hate to myself but I am here to tell you that If you ever feel the same about yourself or hate parts of yourself...you are not alone. I can't remember the last time I went to sleep without crying. Crying about my loss; crying because I did not love myself the way I wanted to; crying because I was not as strong as everyone thought I was; crying because I felt alone, ugly, and that no one could understand. 

The fact is everything I just said is false. Everything I think about myself is false. And I don't need anyone else to tell me that but myself. The fact is, people can tell me as much as they would like of how beautiful and loved I am, but that won't change how I feel until I decide to change my mentality. The way I think about myself is my choice. Its up to me to decide how I view myself and my life. Its up to me to decide what I want to do with my life. Do I want to cry everynight and play the victim Or am I going to suck it up and make the best out of it? What will you choose? Are you the super hero in your own story? It's all up to you. SO OWN THAT SHIT. 

After spending a few weeks with myself, trying to understand how I could do better, I decided to choose me. For the first time I was going to choose me for me. I am going to try my very best to fight against my inner demons and love myself. Here I am promising this to myself... that I will be productive. I will be happy. I will be successful. I will be the best me that I have ever been. Not everyday will be easy, but I will fight through it and I'll be damned if I let my positivity, that I have spent so long building, get away from me over some hair loss I'm not trying to belittle my situation, in fact, I know that what I've been through not many can do. I am proud of myself for what I have survived and I will remember all of it. All the horror. But I won't let that horror take over my life.

My life is precious and I am so thankful to be alive. Every one has different battles in life. We each go through crazy, horrible, and sour-like things. But the important thing to take away from this is to make lemonade out of your crazy, horrible, and sour-like lemons. Beauty comes from within...love yourself first. 

<3

AP Marie